Vaporeon Pokemon


Using a combination of divination techniques including tao te ching, aleatoric hermeticism, Wikipedia, ancient druid shamanism, and Elon Musk quotes, I have seen in my crystal 8 ball what will happen in the next century, and it took aging a quarter of a century (like a fine cheese) to do so. No longer can I be received as tiny and precocious, but as of 2016, children, bow to my grown-up womanly wisdom.

1. selfie at the standard east village 2016-2020

This one predicts that the military's $500 billion WEAPON will be made of diamonds and the great battle of these years will be between gemologists (nerds) and drone technicians (nerdy bros). We're doomed unless a third party nerd culture gets woke and runs them out of business by marketing an artisinal yet accessible capsule collection of hologram nails and face masks that are as #aesthetic as they are suitable for espionage. 




2. selfie at fam's house in harlem 2021-2024

Everyone will have blue hair and babies will no longer be born with normie hues. They will also have green skin and purple blood and the next gen will be gearing up to experience life as a jewel-toned cyborg. Some chill, transitory, post-post-postvaporwave years for humanity. 

3. selfie with hair matching cat 2025-2028

Everyone's hair will match their animal's hair. Animal begins to take over human. Genetic cognitive fusion via DMT allows intersubjective experience between species. 

4. saint valentine diamond lexicon selfie 2029-2032

A visually strong time where technology no longer looks like gray and black boring interfaces with cables, but takes on the form of crystals and membranes. Wizards and witches rule the world. Chocolate becomes rare luxury due to drought and soil depletion in Africa; a massive IRL & URL black market appears to smuggle chocolate along the Deep Web. Jupiter Icy Moon Explorer (JUICE) reaches the Jovian system

5. saint valentine diamond lexicon selfie ii 2033-2036

More of the same visually strong time with more witches and less chocolate. Cloning is like, so in vogue. Everyone has a holographic robot twin who also doubles as a parent, child, teacher, boss, sex slave, phone, computer, therapist, housemaid, and avatar. 'Virtual' jobs are so in vogue, like virtual lawyer and virtual chef. Virtual therapists make a lot of money as cognitive dissonance/derealization becomes a primary epidemic, eclipsing the plagues of anxiety.

6. rainy east village selfie 2037-2040

The year 2038 problem is prevalent as automated devices reset to December 31, 1969. The world's first trillionaire appears on the cover of Forbes Magazine. Spoiler alert.... it's Nastya. Global warming is happening in full force but rain machines make it possible to prevent drought.

"Make money, make rain" ~Elon Musk

7. selfie with cat #2 2041-2044

An era where human brains could be merged with animal, machine, and pokemon consciousness beyond mere intersubjective experience. Robust wireless communications allow humane control of animal drones worldwide, and high tech defossilization creates the possibility of dinosaurs and extinct species to live.

“A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.” ~Benjamin Franklin, of the $100 bill

8. drunken selfies with friend, nyc 2045-2048

Global warming reaches peak heat, so humans have to carry around miniature oceans that also get them drunk. The elite 1% leisure class aristocracy also puts it in their hair as a valuable fashion statement. 


9. east village nyc coconut water & views & chil 2049-2052

Notice how different each of these photos looks. Yet this is all the same person. Humanity is at a crossroads, every major issue as heightened as it is insignificant. It's like we need a massive global ayahuasca ceremony to set things right and generate a psychic cleanse. Each year we look for a shaman to guide us in the political climate, through social change, beyond fashion and aesthetics, transcending the increasingly decentralized fabric of society... until one day we realize the answer was in front of us all along. Coconut water is our shaman. If everyone drinks coconut water at the same time while chanting and dressed all in red to look like the kool aid man, we can activate our DNA and raise our feels to the highest vibrational frequency. Coconut water cults will be huge in the 2050s.


10. 360 outfit selfies at the standard, nyc 2053-2056

As the environment is dying and global business is imploding, Earth people who have gathered enough wisdom from the coconut water cults all go to Mars to hang out with Elon Musk at the genesis of space exploration's next wave. No business, no forests, no oxygen, no pants, no rules, no problem. Nouveau-riche Martians evolve lots of eyes everywhere on their bodies since it's so dark there, which makes taking selfies a lot easier, mind you.


11. natasha's bathroom after a belly belt show, weho 2057-2060

We're traveling against chronological order for this one, it's way after the last selfies were taken. Time travel will now be possible in the 2060s, so I can go back and fix my makeup in all the times it looked like shit in pictures. There will be at least one parallel dimension of reality where I look FLAWLESS! Of course, there are other significant implications of time travel, but who cares? This is about ME.

12. doing a face mask, weho 2061-2064

Spa Castles are totally in vogue. Elon finally colonizes Mars and puts a spa on it due to the toxic conditions of its atmosphere on fragile human epidermis. High speed genetic modification is possible and humans can take any material like faux fur or chocolate and mix it with their skin. All of this future spa tech shit can only be done on Mars though, cause Earth sucks. Martian Constitution, fully written by femmes, vows to "not fuck up this one like we did Earth". The spas guarantee that everyone is relaxed enough to not make any rash, manly decisions. Mars Sauna is like my favorite place, I'm gonna go there all the time and start a college.


13. the standard disposable cam selfie, nyc 2065-2068

Space Weapons can be seen from Earth, which disrupts a lot of ppl's sleep schedules. Insomnia, instead of anxiety or cognitive dissonance, is the epidemic of this generation. Thousands of people stop sleeping and die, creating another gap of separation in society between the sleepers and the non-sleepers. Great measures, often illegal, are taken to get a few hours of sleep. Extraterrestrial intelligence decides that Earth ppl are finally smart enough to receive alien messages and contact those who are strong and healthy enough to fall asleep in their dreams. However, the idiots in the government fail to believe them, and write it off as some X-Files influenced nightmare. The aliens will not visit again until the year Alaska 5000.


14. ellen at party castle, la 2069-2072

The distinction between human and virtual will literally be impossible to make. Reverse Turing tests are created by Ellen DeGeneres, now 103 years old. Everyone lives in glass caves with robots and smokes GMO salvia, that's the 2070s aesthetic.

"Hope and fear are both phantoms of the self. Is we don't see the self, there is nothing to fear" ~Lao Tzu


15. pissed off at loreal for ruining my hair before a belly belt show, la 2073-2076

Nanotechnology robots merge with our brains, our souls, and our closets, to determine what type of outfit and vibe is perfect for each day. More women are political leaders now, which ensures not only a more logical Earth but a way more fabulous one. The world finally finds somebody who everyone likes at an equal level and its ruling political structure begins to shift from disparate democracies/monarchies/autocracies/anarchies to a totalitarian utopia. It's Bean, just like my senior thesis predicted. All bow to Bean, the Hammurabi of our generation.

16. outfit shopping, la 2077-2080

Heatwaves, chronic drought, and other new dismal weather conditions force people indoors (unless they live on Mars where life is a chill sparadise). Those who can afford it buy temp-controlled bodysuits for global warming and thermal faux furs for nuclear winter. Green is the "in color" to imitate the Mars lifestyle. Martian people are painting their skin green as a fashion statement, which makes the extraterrestrials weep. 

"Beauty is self-defined, perceived and understood without ambiguity. It’s the stuff that lies under the skins of our individual existences". ~Terence McKenna

17. selfies with cat #3, la 2081-2084

This is a time period of thriving anti-aging technology, ensuring my cat & I look as youthful and cute in 2080 as we did in 2018. 

18. more selfies at the standard, nyc 2085-2088

iPhones are waaaaaayy obsolete and hang in museums now. Humans are now basically computers and their bio enhancements allow for changes in size and shape too. Wanna be thinner in an instant? There's an app for that (although the tanorexic look is very out of vogue, the stylish body shape of the time is more of a 26-dimensional trapezoidal prism). Wanna become swole as hell to beat up some nerds for their lunch bitcoin? There's an app for that. Need to get super small and ride a butterfly? App for that. 


19. selfie during panic attack at fam's house, nyc 2089-2092

Just wanted to see what it was like. The makers of Future Xanax will ✨shine✨  these four years.


20. selfie of the truest self of meme, usa 2093-2096

Well.... to thine own meme be true, I always say. This is the time we finally peak at our most humanest before the cyborgs take over. Robots, psychics, wizards, Elon Musk clones, and virtual chefs are more common than actual humans now, which really makes you value the specialness of your humanity. 

I have another one for the 2090s because I'm not actually a chef. Taking selfies is how I deal with daily demons and frightening events like getting blood drawn. Fortunately in the 2090s the composition of human blood will be replaced by tiny nanobots who within a single drop of new-blood make entire universes and party in them so depression is completely alleviated as a global and personal epidemic. Some say this is the result of all the acid robots took in the psychedelic new robo-wave of the 2060s but I believe it to be the natural progression of dynamic nanomedicinal science.

21. selfie in the crystal grotto at home, 2097-2100

Shimizu Corporation finishes the Pyramid Building, a 1,000,000 sq ft artificial city which houses the remainder of non-robot Earth ppl. It's pretty tight in there. Since robots are doing most of the Earth's work, the majority of citizens are the leisure class. The 22nd century sees huge divisions between humans, sentient robots, and combinations of the two with genetic breeding. Post-scarcity, quantum physics, telepathy, and vacations in archaic underwater ruins are so in right now. 

22. me as a cake, litttttttt 2101-2104

Omg! Almost the Not Tryina Die Young / Divine Intervention timeline! Clarence and Sherain, the princess-heiress-diplomat-cyborg-heroines from my senior thesis, are born. The intersection of technology and spirituality reaches singularity, putting humanity on a grid. Hell and Heaven are actual places on Earth. Reality reaches peak layers, humans can navigate through its psychic atmospheres / parallel universes / 11th dimensions at will. Teleportation is common. Cyber/nanoterrorism from the Illuminati poses great threat to the world's utopia. The major world power/smart device of this time is the Google Cake. No wait, the Valentine Enterprises Google Cake. 


23. selfie with cat #4, la 2105-2108

Mind uploading enters mainstream society. A class of shaman-scientists is elected to maintain ppl's consciousnesses and mediate between Hell, Heaven, Earth, and Space. Human brains can be fully inserted into animals, resulting in a class of genius zoos who can do things humans can't, like breathe underwater and glow in the dark. Education is at its peak when Kale Law School is opened to the public.

There is a world beyond ours. It is far away, nearby, and invisible. ~Maria Sabina

24. this one definitely isn't photoshopped, usa 2109-2112

Glitter surpasses bitcoin as the currency of the world. Magicians make a huge comeback. Holodeck-style environments allow full virtual immersion of not only the self but the self's environment in a lattice grid. The Google Lattice makes everything possible. It uses a lattice quantum chromodynamic grid to create miniature personal universes that align chakras, make clothing, regulate dreams and vitals, call friends, teleport, and download information. As virtual reality progresses further, so does physical reality: Smart Cities declutter the visual landscape and work with people's apps and devices to translate information from the physical to the neural to the spiritual realms. Some people aren't down with this technologic able-ism and resort to anarcho-primitive terroristic acts. Star Wars? I prefer World Peace.

25. shark mask selfie, la 2113-2116

This one ... Even through it looks like I'm a shark, swimmingly hiding in the corner of a gift shop, don't be fooled. It's just me. I'm always watching.

"When you get the message, hang up the phone" ~Alan Watts